so today we took mom to the hospital. nothing serious, just to keep her stable, maybe fix her medication and stuff so she can actually go to work without having a breakdown doing so. I was at the hospital for five hours. so I'm pretty tired, it was a stressful day. I'm still full from my lunch (double cheese, medium fry, and 6 nuggets. yeah). it was sad leaving my mom in the hospital. still a little sad.

I love my mommy.

tomorrow I'm going to Dillon's and he said we can go visit her.

when I was a child I had the world, because I had no answers. I made up my own. I had no bad. how could I have bad when I had nothing to worry about in the first place? sometimes I wish I was a little kid again, no worries, no fears. where I had adventure in my own back yard at all times, where I didn't realize that people could use me. where I was strong, even when people tried bringing me down, like my first days in kindergarden.

though I'm not as strong as I used to be, I am not ashamed of myself. I am not ashamed to be different. to be nice.

through everything I've been through all my life, I can't imagine why in the world I would regret it, or how anyone could ever regret anything they've been through. I'm not ashamed of myself, or who I grew up to be. I only hope I can be the mom my mommy was to me, and be the dork my daddy was. I am able to laugh at myself, something my dad taught me early on.

and sometimes when I feel like my mind is against me, when my mind wages depressing, sad thoughts against my heart, there's a boy who holds my heart. who knows just by looking at me that something just isn't right. and when I can barely breathe because my thoughts are suffocating me, he holds me and tells me to breathe with him and that everything's okay. and guess what? it is. because through all of the worry and the tears, we can still find a reason to laugh and smile again. and it's these moments that I realize I want to be sitting with him on a sofa years from now laughing our asses off at nothing, or maybe we'll be dancing around listening to records, or maybe we'll just be napping together, but all I know is that all of these things need to have him. or else it's just not right. when you find someone who looks at you and knows before you say anything that somethings out of place, thats the person you stay with. when you find someone who can make you smile, make you laugh, when you feel like you'll never feel happy again, that's the person you stay with.

sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself to feel real good. sometimes we all want a little attention, a little recognition. I've learned we all get afraid. some more than others.

and that that's okay.

I've learned to love, to accept, to be open minded, and to find beauty in the hardest places. I've also learned to laugh at myself, to let others in, and to just be who I am. and know that that's the best I can do.

(courtesy of deviantArt)

 today I went shopping with Dillon at the mall. he had 200 bucks to spend for school clothes. it was fun, I enjoyed spending time with him. at first it was well, I guess we were both tired. standing around like zombies in the mens jean section in American Eagle. eventually we got our groove back and had a casual shopping spree. when you go shopping with me, like, serious shopping, a girly part of me comes out. it's almost weird but I'm glad Dillon wasn't intimidated by it.

he got some nice clothes and I actually got him to fall in love with an outfit I never would have expected him to, so I'm proud of myself (yay).

he felt bad for not buying anything for me, so he bought me A Day To Remember's CD, "For Those Who Have Heart".

it was an all-over good day. got home around 5 or something. spent the rest of the day like I am now.

tomorrow is our one year anniversery. I'm almost nervous. but mostly really happy.

so I don't forget today, I'm going to write it down.

today was my dad's family reunion. from 1 to 4. after that I went to Dillon's.

I walk in all cool like, and holding a AriZona Grapeade, and Simo is like

where's mine?

and the band is still recording, I hear its been a long day. and Brandon is in the closet trying to record a singing part. and Nick is playing some shooting game on his laptop. and Keith is in the corner of the bomb shelter on some exercise equipment. and there he is, sitting behind a computer next to a treadmill. I let Dillon take a sip of my Grapeade, assuring him it's not anything like tea. he hates tea. after a long day of recording they give up until next Sunday and leave. oh, and I meet James here, too.  so they leave and I'm with Dillon and we're both really tired. but it's so hot, so eventually we get in the pool. for dinner we have hot dogs and stuff. then we just drive. drive to waverly, get donuts and drinks and drive some more. and as for the rest of the night let me just say one thing:

WHOA MY PENIS!